I hardly do anything for myself. Now, I realize to some that sounds like it should be an endearing quality, but sometimes it’s not.
It’s not when I wear shoes to the point of holes, or let the bottoms of pants (especially work ones) get a little frayed. It’s not when I actually somewhat need something, but I manage to convince myself it’s not a need but a want (did you notice I put “somewhat need”? Yes, there is the problem. It
probably was an actual need). There is a point when some self care goes out the window and it borders on self neglect.
I haven’t bought clothes with my own money in over seven years. Crazy, right? Well, I’ve gotten new clothes, or some just new to me. At the start of both of the jobs I’ve taken in that time, my dad took me shopping. I’ve received some gift cards of which I’ve purchased new clothes. My sister every so often cleans out her closet and I still get hand-me-downs at age almost-twenty-seven. Lots of it has to do with me previously not making much money, my husband being in and out of work, and just not lots of expendable income. Some is I just
am cheap try to not spend money unnecessarily. But now I’m growing a tad in my career, do okay for myself, and am finally feeling like I’m getting a hold of bills and other expenses. So why not splurge? (And by splurge, I don’t mean splurge. I mean buy myself the necessities.)
Because I feel guilty, that’s why.
I received an award at work back in June for going above and beyond in my role. I had to be nominated for it and everything. While the award was more of a recognition, it also came with a $50 gift card to a place of my choosing. It took from June until about two weeks ago for me to muster up the lady-balls (sorry) to decide to spend the gift card on myself, rather than a dinner or something else for the husband and I. Don’t get me wrong, I love date night, and we don’t do it nearly enough. The thing that bothered me was that I felt like I was obligated to spend it on the both of us, instead of just me, even though I was the one that earned it. I don’t know why I felt that way. There was no pressure from the husband. Just like last year when I got an unexpected bonus at work, and although I asked and he agreed I could spend it how I wanted, I still spent it on him and blankets for the shelter we volunteer at.
So when I received $60 in amazon gift cards from the place I donate blood, I decided that those were for me. I didn’t know what I was going to do with them, but it was going to be for something I wanted. I thought about the extra essential oil diffuser we want for home, or other things we have talked about, but then it’s not really for me. So I perused what was left of my Christmas list I made for myself and figured out how to get the most bang for my buck. I ended up with two items for when I volunteer at the animal shelter, a book for work/personal growth, a stainless steel thing to rid hands of odor post chopping onions, and an adult coloring book/colored pencils. I’ve always liked coloring. I know that sounds childish. And I’ve wanted one since I’ve seen that “adult coloring” is a thing. Honestly, it made it in and out of my amazon cart several times. My internal dialogue of “it’s not practical, you don’t need that” to “but this is a gift for me and I want it” to “but you could get something you need with that money” to “just get it dangit. You won’t with actual money so use the gift card and use actual money on something you need“. Even I get dizzy with the voices in my head sometimes. Anywho. It’s ordered. And after my whole $60 splurge (actually, $59.00 to the penny) I did feel guilty. But only for a minute. That’s all I allowed myself.
Maybe that should have been one of my 2017 “resolutions”. Being more selfish. And no, not in a “neglect that family or responsibilities to focus on me-me-me.” But maybe to on occasion, make myself a priority. Not so much a priority, just make myself not last. A little self care.
That’s not too selfish, right?
*Funny story related to Amazon. So I use my sister’s amazon prime account. And somehow things reset after I selected the shipping address after I added my gift cards, so she let me know I accidentally shipped things to her office, and that was fine as long as there wasn’t anything “office inappropriate”. Well there wasn’t. But I also had ordered 1000 dog poop bags for when I volunteer/walk our foster dog. And yes, I know that sounds excessive and crazy, but when I could get 240 bags for the same price as 1000 AND the thousand came with two holders, well why not! Someone in her office opens all mail and packages for security reasons, so I just imagined them opening a box with 1000 dog poop bags, wondering what she was doing with all of them, then putting them on her desk and everyone else wondering why they were there. Then I just giggled to myself at my desk and changed the address. Ha!